


A Dash of Madness

by nambnb



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Death Wish, Destruction, Fury, Inner Dialogue, M/M, Madness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-21 00:24:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9522809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nambnb/pseuds/nambnb
Summary: Anders blew up the Chantry, which broke something in Hawke.





	

“There can be no turning back.”

Anders’s words had barely been spoken when the Chantry flashed with red light and the forces of an explosion tore it apart like the heavy construction of stone and metal was nothing more than a house of cards. The debris swirled towards the heavens in a tornado of wild energy before bursting into the sky with a deafening noise, setting buildings aflame and burying people and houses alike as it rained down all over Kirkwall.

“There can be no peace.”

Anders’s voice was the only one reaching his ears clearly as Hawke kept staring blankly towards the sky and the realization that he had most likely helped such a thing come to pass crashed down on him like an invisible weight. At the border of his consciousness he noticed Sebastian slumping down to his knees and mourning the Revered Mother who had been at the heart of the explosion despite being urged to escape. Orsino shouted at Anders for his reasons and Meredith angrily accused all the mages in the Circle for what Anders had done singlehandedly and invoked the Right of Annulment for the whole city. The fragile peace of Kirkwall was destroyed once and for all and both the Knight-Commander and the First Enchanter demanded him to take sides once again. Even Anders wanted him to choose.

Hawke all but grinned.

There was a chuckle in his throat that slowly made its way up from his stomach, shaking his whole body as it went. When it finally reached his mouth, it burst into a loud and frantic laughter echoing through the streets of Kirkwall, overshadowing the cries of the suffering.

Eyes turned towards him as he could not help himself, even as he gritted his teeth and slapped a hand over his mouth to keep the laughter from escaping his jerking body.

It was no use.

The laughter bubbled out of him like he was a hyena unable to stop its animal instincts even if it wanted to. He looked like a possessed madman who stood beside himself spitting in the face of the tragedy unfolding right in front of his very eyes.

And his smile.

Anders’s eyes had already widened the minute Hawke’s laugh had reached his ears, but his lover’s smile right now was the worst. He had spent enough time during their relationship to study every emotion dancing on Hawke’s face, and he adored his gentle smile, his brave smile, even his dorky one. But this, this mad wide grin right there combined with eyes that were all but dead on the inside – it made him swallow hard, which did nothing to even remotely moisten his parched throat.

“Maker, Anders”, Hawke finally addressed him after taking a deep breath to only half-successful still his outburst and addressed him in a sort of voice that normally would only carry the sweetest words his way, but right now was nothing but poison dripping from his mouth, “Look at the mess you’ve made. How should I ever get you out of Kirkwall now?”

His eyes glinted with a darkness Anders had only witnessed in mages right before they had given in to a demon’s temptation, which made the whole scene even more unreal since Hawke wasn’t a mage at all. Anders shuddered as Hawke walked towards him with his arms wide open as if to embrace the sickening red sky above him. “You didn’t even contain your spell. It’s raining burning debris left and right. Can you see that? Can you hear the people scream?”

Anders pressed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw as guilt poured over him. Of course he knew.

Hawke laughed again, or rather still, the earlier wave of crazy giggles flaring up anew.

The First Enchanter seemed so shocked by the display that the question of whose side Hawke was going to take was only pressed forward by the Knight-Commander. She obviously thought that Hawke’s state of mind would either allow her to shut him up permanently by delivering a killing blow to a lunatic or to give her the right to send her men against him should he still stand with the mages.

Hawke somehow gathered enough of his mind to tell Meredith that she could go fuck herself – a level of speech he normally would never use – and told Orsino that he was not going to allow any more slaughtering of innocents. He brushed off Sebastian’s inquiry concerning Anders and drew his sword already, even as his companions told him to consider his actions more carefully. But right now Hawke’s nerves were frayed to a point where he only knew that he was on one side of the blade and Meredith was on the other. Her shout to kill them all only fueled his desire to let go of his Berserker urges.

Not a moment later, Anders saw him drench the whole courtyard in Templar blood almost singlehandedly, a gruesome smile plastered on his face. The mage felt his legs wanting to give in as he staggered backwards to remove himself from the radius of battle until he felt his heels hitting a crate. Looking at it in irritation, he noticed the Templar storming up to him too late to pull up his defenses. His foe’s sword looked almost invitingly as he swung it in his direction.

Blood sprayed on Anders’s face a second later, but it was not his own. The Templar in front of him gurgled as he hit the ground, his skull split clean in half by the Champion’s greatsword. Hawke’s eyes flared with murderous intent as he watched his enemy go down and for an instant that very same intense gaze hovered over Anders before he turned his attention back to the battlefield.

Anders sunk down onto the crate he had bumped against and felt like all of his energy had been sucked out of him. He couldn’t help himself but to keep watching Hawke mow down his enemies with unknown furry.

Had he broken him?

The question echoed in Anders’s mind and made an aching knot form in his belly.

Hawke had always taken a diplomatic stand between the Templars and the mages, trying to smooth things over and helping those afflicted the most by the hate both sides shared for each other. He had always been considerate, always gentle, giving second chances even to those everyone else would have cast aside after their first bad decision. Anders counted himself among those people and this trait of his lover was one of the things that had always drawn him towards the other. He had supposed that this incident would break both their hearts, but he had underestimated the extent to which his betrayal of Hawke’s trust would affect his beloved’s mind. It was hard to watch him behave like this.

Was it only madness, though? Wasn’t there also desperation? Fear? Or was this his own heart screaming in panic by trying to hang onto the barest of hints that Hawke could still love him even now?

Why did it even matter? It was all over anyway.

Anders had prepared himself to die for his actions ever since he had decided to fight against the system. He had told Hawke that he was a liar, a murderer, that he would break his heart one day. The only thing he had not calculated was how much it would hurt himself to see the man he loved out of his mind like this, suffering from his efforts over the past seven years wasted in the blink of an eye – it was almost unbearable.

Anders let out a shivering breath between a laugh and a cry.

Who was he trying to kid here acting all surprised? Hawke was the Champion – protector of Kirkwall – and he had just taken away all that he stood for: keeping the peace of this Maker-forsaken city. He had even made Hawke help with his plans, albeit unknowingly. It had been inevitable that such a thing would affect his lover’s mind, seeing what he had done.

There was still a chance for Hawke to at least keep his title of Kirkwall’s defender, Anders thought. All he had to do was to slay the evildoer once again.

He could do with him what he wanted to. He was prepared. A voice inside of his mind nagged at him that even his own death was an act of self-satisfaction in a way. It would eradicate the foe and give Anders a chance to die at the hand of an avenger for the innocent lives he had taken by his actions. It would be righteous, or so the spirit inside of him tried to convince his heart as he wrung his clammy hands together nervously. He couldn’t run away this time.

Anders nervously laughed at himself.

What was he even afraid of?

Death?

No, that couldn’t be. Yet he felt every fiber in his body screaming for him to get up and run even as he felt like he was nailed to that wooden box he sat on at the same time.

It would be fine, he would be quick. Hawke wasn’t gruesome when it came to cutting people down. A look over his shoulder at the Templar lying there with his brains gushing out of his split skull made his stomach turn. Anders tore his eyes away from the ghastly sight and forced his hands apart. This guy had died fast as well, no matter the results.

The fighting noises around him suddenly died down and he heard Orsino talk to Hawke, then there were heavy steps of armored feet as he approached him.

“There’s nothing you can say that I haven’t already said to myself.”, Anders told him when he felt his presence behind him. He explained how his bond with Justice and their shared goal to free the mages from oppression had led him to this moment, that it wasn’t him being puppeteered by Justice but their merged mind that had made the decision to fight against the injustice they had seen and experienced in the way he had done it.

“I might have understood if you had only told me.”

Anders felt his heart sting at Hawke’s words uttered by a voice that had shed the madness it had carried earlier and was nothing more than a saddened whisper wringing itself from a slightly hoarse throat now.

He heard Sebastian asking if Hawke condoned what Anders had done, but he was sure that forgiveness wasn’t what Hawke had bestowed on him. Maybe it was resignation. He could understand if that was it. His betrayal of Hawke’s feelings would at least not make his lover suffer any guilt for finishing him off if he was right. He knew how it worked: Once you rendered somebody a monster you stopped caring for them as a person.

He wished he would just kill him now, but he had to take the blow Sebastian had sent Hawke’s way first, denying that Hawke had known anything about his plans even if he had wanted to tell him about it. His beloved might have stopped him, convinced him to give up his years of trying to come up with something; his resolve hardened by every new mage made tranquil or being executed by the Templars, by every fugitive the Chantry denied to extend a helping hand towards.

“The world needs to see this. Then we can all stop pretending the Circle is a solution.”

If his life was what he was going to pay for that with, then so be it. Saying these words out loud somehow made Anders feel like a weight had been lifted from his body. The twitching at the corner of his mind that had shouted at him to try to flee against all odds was suddenly quieted.

Yet, Hawke’s blade still had not pierced his heart. Oh how he wished that he would hurry before he lost the fight against his own stubbornness to cling to life once more. Instead, he heard his lover grimly asking for opinions from the rest of his companions.

Sebastian was of course in favor of his death, Fenris was in, too – of course he was. Yet his words somewhat did not sound as harsh to Anders’s ears as he was used to from the elf. Isabela’s answer sounded like she was not sure but simply thought his death to be an end to a plan having gone wrong. Aveline thought it a discipline measure to be taken and Varric did not want to have any of it. And Merrill, Merrill of all people spoke in favor of his life, “to put things right” she said.

Anders caught himself in an attempt to smile and immediately told his heart to stop clinging to hope for a way out, even if he himself had dug this hole he was stuck in now; even if Hawke running his blade through his body seemed the right way for this to end.

“Whatever you do, just do it.”

He flinched as he felt cold metal on his neck, but it was only fingers clad in armor reaching in to twirl a lock of hair close by his nape. Even now he still yearned for Hawke’s touch. Anders pressed his eyes shut and grit his teeth so much it hurt his jaw.  
Why did he have to make this hard?  
No, Hawke was just saying his good-byes, this was just him.  
Any moment now it would be over.  
His fingers dug into his palms as he balled his hands into fists despite telling himself over and over again that he was ready to embrace death.

“Help me defend the mages.”

Anders’s eyes opened wide in shock and he got up from the crate as if in a trance, thinking his ears had deceived him for a moment and feeling the urge to make sure, turning around to look at Hawke. His lover’s eyes were determined and reassuring as he was staring back at him. There was still a certain darkness lingering around the edges of his consciousness it seemed, but he couldn’t detect hate in them, which surprised him more than anything.

Before he even knew what he was saying, he reassured Hawke that he would fight with him against the Templars.

Sebastian cut him short and threatened to come back with an army should Hawke allow Anders to live, and suddenly Hawke’s features darkened yet again as he let out a low growl towards the archer.

“Do not interfere, Sebastian.”

Sebastian took a step back, but swore that he would return accompanied by Starkhaven’s forces to find Anders and teach him about justice.

Anders almost heard the pang of the frail thread of Hawke’s patience ripping once again after it had barely tied itself back into place. Hawke’s hand shot forward and grabbed Sebastian by his collar, pulling him towards himself, foreheads banging into each other as he snarled at him like a beast with claws out and every hair standing on edge.

 **“** Don’t tease me, choir boy! I’m so close to bash your teeth in, ripping out your tongue, and strangle you with your own entrails!”

Sebastian looked scandalized by Hawke’s choice of words and his vulgar threat as he was immobilized by his renewed furry for a second. But then he grinned and was about to try himself at a retort, but was rescued by Varric getting between the two of them and pushing at Hawke to let Sebastian go, telling him that shedding even more blood here was far from necessary.

Anders saw the struggle Hawke had to put into fanning down the flames of gruesome hate bordering on madness in his eyes again as he let go of Sebastian’s collar. This line was crossed and there was no way back it seemed. His actions had corrupted him and Anders knew it. Maybe it was his punishment to have to live with that guilt now.

Sebastian left and Hawke patted Varric’s arm to reassure him that he was alright again, or at least no longer willing to strike anybody down – for now.

Anders took the chance to thank him for his life, reassuring him that he would try not to make such a mess of it this time around.

Hawke gave him a lopsided smile and Isabela felt the need to give a witty comment.

Varric proceeded to make them hurry to the Gallows, but Hawke stopped the dwarf this time, apparently feeling the need to address the people still remaining loyal to his choices, as much off from their own feelings as they might be.

“All these years I have tried to keep the peace of this city. So now I will be selfish once. Nobody is going to take somebody dear to me away from me again. No matter the costs to pay, no matter the grudges you hold, no matter if you deem it right. If you’re still willing to follow me now, I just wanted you to know that.”

Nobody dared to say a word to that, except for Varric, who underlined his statement by patting his friend’s back.

“It’s fine, Hawke, no need to make a speech about it. We all get it. Now let’s hurry or they’ll start without us.”

The dwarf was right, Anders thought, there were still things left to fight for.


End file.
